


Faking It

by pinkfrostedsprinkleddoughnuts



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan and phil
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-06-22
Packaged: 2018-07-16 17:23:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7277104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkfrostedsprinkleddoughnuts/pseuds/pinkfrostedsprinkleddoughnuts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan has been faking orgasms for months, until a bartender called Phil Lester shows him just how good sex can be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Faking It

**Author's Note:**

> I actually had a lot of fun writing this, let me know what you think of it! I'm also really embarrassed that I actually wrote smut omg. I'm sure I'll get used to it with time.

   “Oh – oh my god – oh – yessss,” Dan says unenthusiastically, biting his lip and closing his eyes. 

   He’s trying hard to pretend that he’s in pleasure, _really_ , he is, but apparently it doesn’t matter anyway. The handsome man with deep brown eyes to match his skin isn’t even looking at Dan, his eyes are closed and he probably isn’t even listening either. 

   As soon as the man below him cums, Dan pulls out and heads to the bathroom. He takes off the condom, drops it into the bin, and sighs. Another disappointing night of underwhelming sex where he gets to cum in the bathroom via his own hand. And the other guy – _what was his name? Jason?_  – hasn’t even noticed. Dan gets himself off quietly and quickly. He has no problem getting himself off, the _problem_ is he can’t cum during sex anymore. It’s been months, and he’s reaching the point of desperation. 

   When he’s done, and cleaned up, Dan exits the bathroom. “Uh, thanks, that was fun,” he says, pulling his clothes on as fast as he possibly can. 

   “You’re leaving?” Jason _(?)_ asks, but he doesn’t look bothered about it. 

   “Er, yeah, got some... _stuff_... to do,” Dan says. “See you later.” 

   He won’t. They didn’t exchange numbers. They barely exchanged names. Dan is not particularly upset about that, but damn he is frustrated. If he doesn’t have some good sex soon, he’s not sure what he’ll do. 

* * *

 

   “How was last night?” The bright-eyed bartender asks as Dan takes his usual seat at the bar. He usually tries to make his way down to _The Bluejay_ , his favourite bar/club, at least two or three times a week. 

   Dan shakes his head. 

   “Again?” Phil asks. “Are you just having a terribly unlucky streak with hookups, or is there something, you know, _wrong_ , down there?” 

   “There’s nothing wrong with me,” Dan snarls. “I can get _myself_ off fine. It’s just during sex I can’t...” Dan doesn’t exactly remember how or when he started talking to Phil The Bartender about his sex life, but he is now, and he actually quite enjoys the other man’s company, if he’s honest. 

   “Yeah, I know,” Phil says. He pulls out a bottle of _Patron Café_ from behind the bar and begins mixing it with espresso to make Dan’s favourite drink. 

   “Here,” he says, sliding it over the bar to Dan. “It’s on me. You look like you need it.” 

   “I don’t need your pity,” Dan says, but he takes a sip of the drink nonetheless.

   “Good, because you don’t have it,” Phil says. The bar is sufficiently packed, considering it’s a Saturday night, but that doesn’t stop Phil from leaning over the bar and resting his head on his hand to talk to Dan. “Have you considered that you might not be gay? Have you tried sex with girls?” 

   Dan shakes his head. “Okay, well, for a start, I’m not gay, I’m _bi_ , and secondly... Yeah, I have tried girls. It’s the same result.” 

   “Hmm,” Phil says. “You really have a bad situation here.” 

   “Tell me about it,” Dan sighs, finishing his drink. He slides the empty glass back to Phil. “Wanna pour me another?” 

   “Fine, but it’s on you this time. My sympathy only extends so far,” Phil says, beginning to whip up another cocktail. 

   “Make me two?”

   “Have you spotted your next conquest already?” 

   “Maybe,” Dan says. “What do you think of the guy over by the speakers?”

   “Which one?” Phil glances over to the speakers. “Leather jacket?” 

   “No!” Dan squeals. “He looks about seventy!” 

   “Then he’s probably very experienced and knows how to make a whiny twenty-something cum,” Phil raises his eyebrows and smirks. 

   “Shut up,” Dan laughs. “I meant the shorter guy with the glasses and the blue t-shirt.” 

   “Blond hair?” 

   “Yeah, that’s him.” 

   “Is it the glasses or the blond hair that attracts you?” 

   “It’s the fact that he looks like he’s _not seventy_ , actually.” 

   Phil laughs. “Go for it. But just so you know, I think you have terrible taste in men.”

   “Hey, you never know, this could be Mr. Right.” 

   “Uh-huh,” Phil nods, unconvinced. “Good luck, Dan.”

   “I hope I don’t need it, Phil.” 

* * *

 

   Less than two hours later sees Dan on his knees in front of blond-man-with-glasses (he hadn’t even bothered to learn his name this time). Dan hears the man in front of him moan loudly as Dan takes him all the way, his lips grazing the base of his cock, because Dan was _talented_ with his mouth and _fuck_ , he loved to use it. 

   The man’s hands clench at his sides, but he isn’t touching Dan. _Doesn’t he want to?_ “Uh – oh fuck – _I’m gonna_ –” Dan spurs the man on, bobbing his head back and forth, then moving to focus on the tip. He runs his tongue through the slit a few times and uses his left hand to move in time with his mouth. 

   “Oh – _David_ –” Well, his name was _Dan_ , but close enough, right? Dan hollows out his cheeks a few times and before he knows it the man is coming down his throat. Dan doesn’t hesitate to get down the hall to the bathroom and spit the cum out into the sink. He rinses his mouth out a few times and then comes back out to the bedroom. 

   “Do you want to fuck me?” The blond man asks. 

   “Yes,” Dan says, and so he does, but after a few minutes he knows it’s useless. He’s not going to cum like this. He’s not even close. 

   “Oh, yeah, baby, I’m so close, I’m going to – oh yeah, yesssss,” Dan moans out his usual _faking-it-orgasm-routine_ and then he’s pulling on his jeans and saying goodbye and jerking himself off as soon as he reaches his flat. 

* * *

 

   “So? Was blonde-hair-with-glasses Mr. Right after all?” Phil asks as Dan sits down the next Wednesday night. 

   “No,” Dan sighs. “I gave him an amazing blowjob and then got off in my bathroom when I got home.” 

   “Damn,” Phil shakes his head. He makes Dan the usual. “The first one is on me, since your sexual frustration saga continues.” 

   “I’m thinking it’s going to be much longer than a saga,” Dan says. Then he looks at Phil properly for the first time since sitting down. “Have you always had glasses?” 

   Phil blushes slightly. “Yeah, I just wear them sometimes. My contacts were being annoying this morning.” 

   “They suit you,” Dan says. “They frame your eyes really nicely.” 

   “Thanks,” Phil says quickly. He ducks under the bar to grab vodka for the guy next to Dan, and Dan thinks he sees a grin flash across Phil’s face as he bends down. 

   “I’m beginning to think I’m doomed to a life of bad sex,” Dan says. 

   “I think you’re just choosing the wrong people,” Phil shrugs. 

   “Oh yeah?” Dan asks. “Do you have a good taste in guys, then?”

   “I like to think so,” Phil grins. “At least I’ve never had to fake an orgasm.” 

   “Oh,” Dan says, surprised. “So you’re gay?” 

   “I’m not gay, I’m _bi_ ,” Phil echoes Dan’s words from a few nights earlier. 

   “Then who would you recommend here, if your taste is so good?” 

   Phil bites his lip and then looks around. “It’s a Wednesday, so really it’s just students and the unemployed here.” 

   “Yeah, well, I’m one of them, so it doesn’t matter to me.” 

   “You’re unemployed?” 

   “No, I’m a student.” 

   “Oh,” Phil looks surprised. “You look young but I didn’t think – what do you study?” 

   “Hey, I’m twenty-one,” Dan says. “I’m not _that_ young.” 

   “I’m twenty-six, so you’re young to me. I’m older and more experienced.” 

   “Not as experienced as that seventy-year-old from the other night, I bet,” Dan teases. 

   Phil pretends to looks offended. “Am I officially below a seventy-year-old on your To-Do list?” He asks in horror, and Dan lets out a loud snort-laugh. 

   “Well he is more experienced than you,” Dan teases. “And to answer your earlier question, I’m studying law.” 

   “Law? I didn’t see you as the type.” 

   “People surprise you, I guess.” 

   “I have a Bachelor’s in English Literature and a Master’s in Post Design and Production,” Phil says casually. 

   “Christ, Phil, way to make a potential dropout feel even worse about his life.” 

   “Sorry,” Phil chuckles. 

   “I’ll be right back,” Dan says, getting up and heading to the bathroom. On his way back, he runs into a tall (and really cute) brunette. 

   “Hi,” Dan says, smiling at her. 

   “Hi?” She looks at him questioningly. Her friends linger in the background, watching the interaction like vultures waiting for Dan to fail. 

   “I’m Dan,” Dan says.

   “... Okay,” she says.

   “Can I buy you a drink?” He asks, not ready to give up yet. 

   “Um, sorry, no offense or anything, but aren’t you with that guy over there?” She asks, pointing to the bar – pointing to _Phil_. 

   “With him?” Dan says, confused. 

   “Yeah, he was clearly flirting with you earlier on... Are you _not_ with him?” Her tone suddenly changes as she realises she might have a chance. 

   Dan’s mouth goes dry as he stares at Phil, who seems to be actively trying not to look in Dan’s direction. Is it because he’s talking to this girl? 

   And then Dan realises that he is the _dumbest_ person, because Phil the friendly bartender has actually been Phil the _flirty_ bartender this whole time. _Duh, Dan_. 

   “Oh, sorry, I have to... go...” Dan says weakly, making his way as fast as his long legs would go back to the bar. Phil reluctantly looks up from the bar as Dan approaches.

   “Did you find tonight’s hookup?” 

   “Yeah, i hope so,” Dan says. “Can you make me two drinks?” 

   As Phil begins to pull the usual _Patron Café_ from behind the bar, Dan interrupts. “Uh, no, not that, sorry. I want to try something new. There’s a cocktail called _The Phil_ on the menu, is that yours?” 

   Phil nods slowly. “Yeah, I came up with that.” He makes the two drinks in no time and pushes them over to Dan, looking uncomfortable at the fact that Dan was giving _his_ drink to another person.

   Dan sits down on his usual stool and takes a sip of one of the drinks. He slides the other glass back to Phil. 

   “You don’t want it anymore?” Phil asks, bewildered. 

   “I bought it for you,” Dan shrugs. “You’ve been buying me drinks all this time, I figured it was time I returned the favour.”

   Phil stares at him, blinking his big baby blue eyes once. “Uh, thanks?” 

  “No problem,” Dan winks. “What time do you get off work?” 

   It takes Phil a few seconds to process what’s going on. Then he smiles widely. “If you’re lucky, only half an hour.”

* * *

 

   Exactly thirty-seven minutes later, Dan and Phil were passionately making out in Phil’s colourful bedroom a few minutes away from the bar. They hadn’t even managed to sit down, they were just standing, Phil’s hands on Dan’s waist and Dan’s hands tangled in Phil’s hair. 

   “Tell me what you want me to do,” Phil says between kisses. 

   “What?” Dan’s eyes flicker open. Nobody has ever asked him that before. 

   Phil breaks the kiss and looks Dan in the eyes. “What turns you on, Dan?” 

   “Uh – well,” Dan hesitates. 

   “You can say _anything_ ,” Phil says. “You don’t have to be nervous. If it makes it easier, I’ll go first?” Dan nods. “Okay: I really like getting blowjobs, I like giving hickeys and I really like getting them on my thighs, and I’m very much a top but I don’t think that’ll be much of a problem here, will it?” 

   Dan focuses on Phil’s lips instead of his eyes as he speaks. “Well I thoroughly enjoy giving blowjobs, so we’re well-matched there. My neck is really sensitive, and I like my hair to be played with. I’m usually a top but I guess I don’t mind being a bottom for a change?” Dan says sheepishly.

   Phil grins broadly and practically lights up the entire room, which was bright enough to begin with. “I may be topping, but _you’re in control of me tonight_ , Dan.” 

   Dan doesn’t think he has _ever_ been so turned on by words. But then, of course, words fail him, and he doesn’t know what to say. 

   “Just tell me what to do, Dan,” Phil says gently, brushing his fingers over Dan’s wrists and hands. “Tell me what you want to do to me. Tell me what you want _me_ to do to _you._ ” 

   “Kiss me,” Dan says nervously. 

   “Where?” 

   “Lips,” Dan mumbles. 

   “How?” Dan blushes. 

   “Hard.” Dan catches Phil smirk briefly before his lips are crashing onto Dan’s. 

   Dan can’t even moan before Phil’s tongue is running along Dan’s bottom lip and forcing his lips to part, giving Phil total access. The kiss is bruising and sexy and Dan feels himself getting hard already. A bit more confident now, Dan rolls his hips against Phil’s and Phil lets out a deep moan in response. Dan’s hands wander down to squeeze Phil’s ass, but he realises Phil isn’t going to go any further until Dan _tells_ him to. Dan pulls back, admiring the glimmer in Phil’s eyes and the way his lips are puffed up and red from kissing Dan. 

   “Phil, I want you to give me a hickey on my neck,” Dan says. It sounds stupid as soon as he says it, but Phil wastes absolutely no time attaching his lips to Dan’s sensitive neck and licking, biting, sucking, until a dark red bruise appears. Dan’s jeans are uncomfortably tight now. 

   “Undress me?” Dan whispers, but Phil hears him. “Slowly. Shirt first.” 

   Phil slowly drags the edge of Dan’s shirt up and over his chest, never breaking eye contact. Dan wonders how it has taken him so long to realise how heartbreakingly beautiful Phil’s eyes are, even with his glasses on. Dan’s shirt drops to the ground, and then Phil’s long fingers are slowly undoing Dan’s useless belt and dropping it on the floor. Then he unbuttons Dan’s jeans, and Dan steps out of them, taking off his shoes and socks himself, and finally Phil slides down Dan’s boxers agonisingly slowly until Dan is left naked in front of Phil. 

   “I’ve been wanting to see you like this for weeks,” Phil says as his eyes rake up and down Dan’s figure. 

   “Now let me undress you?” Dan asks. Phil nods and Dan begins removing articles of Phil’s clothing, slowly at first, and then much faster as his patience begins to wear thin.

   “Um – do you have like – lube and condoms and stuff?” Dan asks, suddenly terrified that they would have to stop, but Phil reassures him with a nod. He retrieves a bottle of cherry-flavored lube and a pack of condoms from his desk drawer. 

   Dan bites his lip and thinks about what he wants to do next. God, he could do anything, even the _thought_ of all the possibilities was turning him on – 

   “Dan?” Phil pulls him out of his daydream. 

   “Lie down,” Dan instructs. Phil obeys, lying back on his blue and green duvet. Dan follows, like Phil is pulling him with an invisible string, but he adjusts himself so that his lips are between Phil’s legs. Dan hears Phil’s breath hitch as Dan begins kissing Phil’s inner thighs, and he doesn’t stop until his inner thighs are absolutely covered in red marks and Phil’s cock is leaking a lot of precum. Just the sight of Phil, panting and red but still looking intently at Dan between his legs, makes Dan realise he can’t physically stand to wait any more. 

   “Phil?” 

   “Hmm?” 

   “I want you to fuck me.” 

   “Gladly,” Phil says, pulling Dan up to his level and then rolling them over so Phil hovers over Dan. He reaches for the cherry lube and warms it between his fingers. 

   “I need to stretch you,” Phil says, his breath warm on Dan’s neck, making him shiver. 

   “Do it quickly, please,” Dan practically begs. Phil slides one finger in Dan, and then moves on to two, and three, and soon as Dan says he’s ready. And then: 

   “Phil, fuck me, please,” Dan whines. 

   Phil smirks from above Dan, not moving. 

   “What – what are you waiting for?” Dan asks. 

   “How?” 

   “How what?” 

   “ _How do you want me to fuck you_ ,” Phil says slowly.

   “Oh,” Dan says. “I don’t care, just hurry up –” 

   “I care,” Phil says. “I told you, _you’re in control_ tonight Dan. Tell me how you want me to fuck you.” 

   “Slowly,” Dan finally says, and Phil obliges, sliding into Dan. It takes a while for Dan to adjust, seeing as it’s been a while since he last bottomed, but he quickly gets used to the feeling of Phil – well okay, he’ll probably _never_ get used to the feeling of Phil inside him, but you know what he means.

   “Faster,” Dan says quietly, and then louder: “Phil, _faster_!” Phil speeds up his thrusts, and when Dan’s breathing starts to get quicker, Phil wraps his hand around Dan’s cock and moves it to the timing of his thrusts. 

   “ _Oh my god Phil_ , I think I’m _actually_ going to – I mean _for real_ this time, I think I’m _finally_ going to – _Oh fuck, Phil_!” Dan keeps chanting out a mixture of _fuck_ and _Phil_ and _please_ as he finally orgasms, cum covering his and Phil’s chests. It only takes a few more moments before Phil is shuddering and releasing into Dan. 

   Dan makes a grunt of annoyance when Phil pulls out, to which Phil just laughs and murmurs “Sorry.” 

   “Well, you didn’t fake it this time, did you?” Phil asks after a few moments of comfortable silence. 

   Dan laughs. “Definitely not.” 

   “See, I told you that you were just picking the wrong guys.” 

   “Yeah, don’t worry, I’m trusting your judgement from now on,” Dan laughs. “But Phil, if you had just told me you wanted to fuck me a few weeks ago, I wouldn’t have had to go through _weeks_ of terrible sex.” 

   “Don’t worry about it, Dan,” Phil says, lacing his fingers through Dan’s and resting his head on Dan’s shoulder. 

   “Why not?” Dan raises an eyebrow. 

   “Well, you won’t be having that problem from now on, will you?” Phil grins.


End file.
